Flirting 101
By the Dating Diva
December 22, 2000

Kelly says she doesn't know how to flirt. She tells me this one Saturday evening at dinner before we go out.

Later, when we walk into the bar, three men from different parts of the room call out her name to say hi. (Ok, it's a local bar and we go there all the time, but still.) Half way through the evening I lose her as she gets completely pulled into a group of guys that turn out to be a semi-reunion of college friends. I catch sight of her at various times throughout the evening and a 6'4" tanned, blond -- well, I can only describe him as "stunning" -- young man whom she has just met has his arm draped over her shoulder. When she drifts away, he follows her.

And then she drifts away again.

At the end of the evening, she is best friends with every guy in that bar but, just as she predicted, not a one has hit on her.

(Quick aside: I am hugely jealous of people who have this skill – and it is a skill. It's tough to be great fun and emphatically platonic at the same time. I have the opposite problem: I think I'm just being friendly, sometimes even rude; he thinks I want to jump his bones. Once I was breaking up with a guy and he thought I was telling him how much I liked him. Really. But I'm not supposed to be telling you about my problems, I'm supposed to solve yours, so back to the story at hand. . . )

Kelly is a good conversationalist, she says. ("I could talk to a hole in the wall," I believe were her exact words.) This she admits freely -- it's flirting she has the problem with.

The only difference between conversing and flirting, I'm here to tell you, is staying power. Conversing ends the moment you have that first awkward pause and you say, "well, I'm going to go get another drink"; with flirting, you just ride that awkward pause out. You don't keep drifting away.

This is true of everything about flirting. Flirting is nothing more than doing something several seconds longer than would otherwise be appropriate. Look at him across the room – and don't look away for just a split second longer than you should. You don't have to smile, you don't have to do anything else. Just hold his eye contact.

Here's why it works. In high school I knew a boy who every time he smiled at you made it look like his whole day had been made just because he'd caught a glimpse of you. I know he gave that smile to everyone, but whenever he gave it to me I would have done anything for him. Because somehow it wasn't a generic smile; it was so obviously a smile for me.

That's the essence of flirting -- and why holding eye contact, sticking by someone's side, touching them a second too long works. Because you're making it clear you're focused in on them. He is not interchangeable with any other guy at the party, just one guy to talk to in between trips to the bartender. You're letting him know you really want to be talking to him.

("That's the part that makes me nervous," interjects Kelly.)

But, remember, all you have to do to give them that focused feeling is offer a split second or two extra. You don't have to hover, throw yourself at them, litter your conversation with sexual double entendres, loudly declare your interest. In fact, if you want to talk to them for a while and then leave to get un-nervous, that's acceptable. Make sure that you manage to smile at them from across the room at least once, and then go back to talk to them later when you're up for it.

All you need to do is push your limits ever so slightly. Stick around one extra awkward pause. That's enough to get his attention.

(So back to me and my problems. . . and, ok, for anyone else out there who has already passed into advanced flirting and needs to learn how to send "Stay back" signals. We're sticking around too long. Flirting, after all, exists on a sliding scale. At one end you flit (both physically and metaphorically -- talking to lots of people, keeping your conversation light) making it clear you're not necessarily interested in any one boy specifically. On the other end of the scale you move more slowly (talk to one person for a longer time, get very involved in the conversation) making it easier for someone to get caught in your orbit. If you find yourself leading people on, it's time to start flitting.)