Phone Etiquette
by the Dating Diva

Do not call me and refuse to say who you are. Don't assume I know your voice. Don't ever say "Hi, It's me." Worse don't leave a message that gives your phone number and says, "Well if you don't know who this is you're going to have to call and find out!" Please, do you know how many guys I talked to at that party last week? You could be anyone. I'm not going to call you back, and you've just earned yourself major negative points.

Not identifying yourself isn't cute and it isn't polite.

Now you would think this was basic phone etiquette wouldn't you? Perhaps other people didn't grow up in a household like mine where my parents regularly reprimanded anyone who asked to speak to me without identifying themselves first. (Yes, my parents did this to my dates too–it was somewhat mortifying.) So, fine, I may have a standard here which is a little extreme. But the basic philosophy of it's MY phone, you identify YOURSELF, I think we can all agree upon.

And yet I get these phone calls.

As usual, what seems painfully obvious to me, just doesn't seem obvious to any one else. Luckily, I have a platform from which to preach -- so here is a basic dating telephone primer.

Leaving Messages

Less is more in the classic good message technique: "Hey Brian, this is Carolyn Stanley, I met you last night at the Kirbys. Give me a call back at 555-CUTE."

For those to whom it is not blatantly obvious that this is a beautiful message, please note: 1) Clear statement of first and last name. 2) Short message with only the important information: who she is and a phone number. Leave that phone number every single time. Keep leaving your number until you're engaged, ok? Even if he's an organized person who writes every phone number down, you just never know when someone's palm pilot is going to crash. 4) Also, note complete lack of asking the person on a date. Do not ask answering machines on dates.

A classic failed technique: "Hey Cynthia! Um, I just wanted to follow up on that discussion we were having about Portnoy's Complaint since we never had a chance to discuss the hero's sexual dysfunction, maybe we could talk more over coffee sometime? Actually my friend is singing at an open mike night at Jolt 'n' Bolt tomorrow night, we could go to that? Let me know if you're interested. This is Robert by the . . . [BEEEP!]" "Um, Cynthia hey it's Robert again, sorry about that, your machine cut me off, but give me a call,ok. I'll be in from 7 to 9 tonight, and then all morning tomorrow, but not tomorrow afternoon." "Oh, forgot to leave my phone number -- well, you probably have Caller ID anyway -- but just so you know it's 555-DORK. Call me."

Oh, please, do I even need to dissect this for you? 1) He assumes she remembers who he is, and nearly gets cut off telling his name. 2) He uses the word "sex" far too early in the relationship. (Ok, I'm not a prude, but just don't introduce sex before it's clear everyone's comfortable talking about it.) 3) He rambles about irrelevant stuff. He doesn't need to come up with some big excuse for why he's calling. Just call. Leave a message. Ask her out when you talk to her. 4) Long list of WHEN to call. Who cares? She'll call back when she calls back. 5) Failure to prioritize leaving his phone number 6) And last, mention of caller ID.

Which brings us to. . .

Caller ID

Nice people don't mention Caller ID. Yes, almost everyone has it these days, and the reason we have it is so we don't have to pick up the phone when we don't want to talk to someone. We have it to screen calls. We have it to scroll over the numbers of everyone who called us and didn't leave a message. Yes, to all of that.

But none of that is very nice, so we don't talk about it. (Actually I think screening calls is perfectly legitimate -- why should other people have access to you all hours of the day?? But it does imply a certain judging of one's callers which can be perceived as not thoroughly sporting.)

If the phone rings and you screen your calls it is your duty to pretend you were out. It is the caller's duty to pretend caller ID doesn't exist and of course . . . that you were out.

When the hell should you call anyway?

Last we have the basic timing question. The boys in "Swingers" claimed you waited three days at a minimum, and that six days was totally acceptable. Forget it. The answer is you call immediately. You call the next day -- the day after you met (unless you met on the weekend, when you call on a Monday), the day after you kissed for the first time, the day after you had a date, basically the day after anything.

Here's the tricky part: this does NOT mean you call every day. After you do one of these next-day calls -- your message or conversation is short and sweet: I had a good time, nice to have met you, whatever -- then you can wait however long you've decided is the appropriate waiting time to prove just how non-desperate you are. But that first call comes the next day because it's the comfortable, mature thing to do. Calling constantly is annoying; calling once -- and soon -- makes you look good.

And of course, call when you say you're going to call. This goes for men especially. Women count calls. They're somewhat obsessive about it actually. Women know exactly how many times each of you has called the other over the last month. Women know that you ended the last phone conversation with "I'll talk to you this weekend" and then didn't call until Tuesday. Women know that it's been 4.5 days since you last talked on the phone. A woman knows these things and she believes they matter. "This weekend" is "this weekend" it is not Tuesday; 4.5 days is far too long to go without a phone call. And all her girlfriends will back her up that she is right, so don't even try to argue.

This is basic stuff, you guys. In the olden days courtiers had to remember things like what precise message was sent by a yellow daffodil or the turned corner of a calling card or the coquettish waving of a fan. You've got it easy -- just a few lousy phone manners. Is it too much to ask that you get it, right?