The Slow Death of The Wait

[_This entry contains ideas that may be considered offensive to people of faith. These statements soleley represent my opinion and are in no way meant to denigrate other points of view._]

Ohhhhh pretty please let me get this job. It's the only thing I've ever wanted this bad in my whole life except for Clea Duvall who I never really thought I could have anyway. But I might just have a shot here.
The one thing that sucks about being an atheist is finding absolutely no comfort at all in the the platitudes people are reduced to spouting when you divulge some passionate desire that is beyond your control.
"If you don't get it, it just means it wasn't meant to be," they say with a head-tilt and a meant-to-be-reassuring smile.
Which, to me makes as much sense as saying the jabberwocky backwards on crack. Meant by whom for what?
Are you telling me that it's some sick god's GREAT IDEA to have homelessness and misery and sickness and George W. Bush? Well, no f*cking thank you anyway! "If it's meant to be" is no comfort in a world like this, where there's too many poor people, sick people, and old people with nothing to eat but the glue off their social security envelopes.
So without a god, and beyond reach of reason, I am left with superstition. One of my most onerous superstitions is that if I happen to want something very badly, then while I wait for that thing, I must give whatever is asked of me to whomever asks it*. Because I live in New York City, this means I walk around all day with fistsful of quarters and spare cigarettes.
I am checking my email every fourteen seconds and shaking the virtual super-eight ball I found online which says at the moment that "It is certain" I will get this job. I sure as hell hope so, because cigarettes are $7 a pack here, and I've already given away most of my piggy bank, so I'm gonna need to build back up those reserves...

* does not apply to bloggers-- sorry!

Return of Hickey Boy

Remember the work study intern I told you about who shows up to work proudly sporting hickeys as only a geeky college underclassman can? The latest one is, I swear, the size of a kiwifruit and RIGHT on the front of his neck. As luck would have it, he had front desk duty this week since our receptionist was away. Thank God I am not his supervisor. Can you imagine having to explain to someone that hickeys are not appropriate workplace attire? It was bad enough when we (actually, the colleague I call Squeaky) had to advise our intern not to wear a black bra with a white shirt.

Some Bridges are Better Burned

You know, at a point it gets ridiculous. All the hoops they make you jump through to get these piddly jobs that no one really wants anyway.
I started interviewing at the PR Dept of an Eminent University (EU) two years ago on the advice of a good friend who had worked there but was abandoning her post -- and coast-- for the sunny promise of California. "It's crazy," she said, "But good-crazy."
So I sent in a resume, and shortly thereafter they called me for an interview. The HR girl-- we'll call her Katy-- asked me to expect to spend "a minimum of two hours" there meeting her, and my prospective boss. No problem, I said, though I had already met Boss at a number of events in the past, and had, in fact, done freelance work for him on occasion.
The first interview lasted three hours. But that was only the beginning........
****updated version follows!****

Two weeks later they asked me to come in again, to meet the head of the department. This time they kept me for 3 1/2 hours. Not asking *me* questions, mind you, but telling me, in excruciating detail, the minutiae of their every day jobs.
I left thinking, Gee that was kind of like a training more than an interview-- I think I've got it!
A week later, they called to ask if I'd be willing to do some writing samples (never mind I had already written for them)-- paid, of course. I said, gamely, no problem, just send me the assignment. Who couldn't use the extra cash, anyway?
Six months passed without a word, no assignments, nothing. It was like going on a wonderful date, fooling around on the couch, and then being brutally snubbed.
Then out of nowehere, a reference of mine called and asked if I was applying for an Events Planner job at EU.
The only events I coordinate are FreshDirect deliveries and take-out food.
But the next day I got an email from Katy "Ooooh," it trilled, "So sorrrrrreeee for not being in touch..." Asking me to come in for another interview for some unspecified 'position'.
Having been tipped off by my reference on the Events Coordinator thing, I politely responded that until I had more information about the specific "position", I would not be doing any more interviews.
I wasn't surprised that I didn't hear back after that. But it was my turn to do the snubbing, and I enjoyed it.
I thought it was over.
But then Katy emailed me again a month ago, not coincidentally after I had done some freelance for the Dept, to ask if I was interested in interviewing again for the PR position.
Against my better judgement, I went. Maybe this time would be different, I thought. Maybe they've gotten over their fear of commitment seen that all along it was me-- yes me!-- that they really wanted. I even bought an interview suit.
It was a great interview, all two hours of it. They assured me again and again, we'll know in a week or two-- plenty of time for you to give notice at your job. I thought, "I'm this || close..."
A week passed. Then two. Nothing.
I emailed Katy. She said they were still interviewing and would get back to me "definitely by mid- late August." Then, two weeks later, another email from Katy:
We'd like you to come in for another interview. Two hours, on campus. To meet the people you've already met. To answer the questions you've already answered, to discuss the job that you already know more than you care about.

That was it. I will not play Carrie to any HR Dept.'s Mr. Big, I thought. This absurd dance of yearning and rejection must end!

Then I crafted a respone that would ensure I would never hear from them again:

Dear Katy,
There is an online IQ test that asks different permutations of the same
questions over and over again. Your score is based on how quickly you recognize the ruse and abort the test. Perhaps EU is employing a similar tactic.
As you must know, I have already met VP and Boss on a number
of occasions. I do not mind being asked to meet Minion Editor, but a two-hour
on-campus interview seems excessive in light of my history of interviews at
EU, and in absence of any information regarding the specifics of the
position (e.g., salary range, schedule, start date) or whether, in fact, it is
being seriously offered. In any case, I must decline the invitation for this
fourth interview and request that you base your assessment of my qualifications
on the ample information that you already have.

You think they'll reply?

**********update!**********
They actually called me back, not once, but five, six times. Then sent me multiple e-mails asking "what would it take" to get me "back on board", etc. If things keep going in this direction, I will either get hired or file a restraining order by the end of this month.