[_This entry contains ideas that may be considered offensive to people of faith. These statements soleley represent my opinion and are in no way meant to denigrate other points of view._]
Ohhhhh pretty please let me get this job. It's the only thing I've ever wanted this bad in my whole life except for Clea Duvall who I never really thought I could have anyway. But I might just have a shot here.
The one thing that sucks about being an atheist is finding absolutely no comfort at all in the the platitudes people are reduced to spouting when you divulge some passionate desire that is beyond your control.
"If you don't get it, it just means it wasn't meant to be," they say with a head-tilt and a meant-to-be-reassuring smile.
Which, to me makes as much sense as saying the jabberwocky backwards on crack. Meant by whom for what?
Are you telling me that it's some sick god's GREAT IDEA to have homelessness and misery and sickness and George W. Bush? Well, no f*cking thank you anyway! "If it's meant to be" is no comfort in a world like this, where there's too many poor people, sick people, and old people with nothing to eat but the glue off their social security envelopes.
So without a god, and beyond reach of reason, I am left with superstition. One of my most onerous superstitions is that if I happen to want something very badly, then while I wait for that thing, I must give whatever is asked of me to whomever asks it*. Because I live in New York City, this means I walk around all day with fistsful of quarters and spare cigarettes.
I am checking my email every fourteen seconds and shaking the virtual super-eight ball I found online which says at the moment that "It is certain" I will get this job. I sure as hell hope so, because cigarettes are $7 a pack here, and I've already given away most of my piggy bank, so I'm gonna need to build back up those reserves...
* does not apply to bloggers-- sorry!
You know, at a point it gets ridiculous. All the hoops they make you jump through to get these piddly jobs that no one really wants anyway.
I started interviewing at the PR Dept of an Eminent University (EU) two years ago on the advice of a good friend who had worked there but was abandoning her post -- and coast-- for the sunny promise of California. "It's crazy," she said, "But good-crazy."
So I sent in a resume, and shortly thereafter they called me for an interview. The HR girl-- we'll call her Katy-- asked me to expect to spend "a minimum of two hours" there meeting her, and my prospective boss. No problem, I said, though I had already met Boss at a number of events in the past, and had, in fact, done freelance work for him on occasion.
The first interview lasted three hours. But that was only the beginning........
****updated version follows!****
Two weeks later they asked me to come in again, to meet the head of the department. This time they kept me for 3 1/2 hours. Not asking *me* questions, mind you, but telling me, in excruciating detail, the minutiae of their every day jobs.
I left thinking, Gee that was kind of like a training more than an interview-- I think I've got it!
A week later, they called to ask if I'd be willing to do some writing samples (never mind I had already written for them)-- paid, of course. I said, gamely, no problem, just send me the assignment. Who couldn't use the extra cash, anyway?
Six months passed without a word, no assignments, nothing. It was like going on a wonderful date, fooling around on the couch, and then being brutally snubbed.
Then out of nowehere, a reference of mine called and asked if I was applying for an Events Planner job at EU.
The only events I coordinate are FreshDirect deliveries and take-out food.
But the next day I got an email from Katy "Ooooh," it trilled, "So sorrrrrreeee for not being in touch..." Asking me to come in for another interview for some unspecified 'position'.
Having been tipped off by my reference on the Events Coordinator thing, I politely responded that until I had more information about the specific "position", I would not be doing any more interviews.
I wasn't surprised that I didn't hear back after that. But it was my turn to do the snubbing, and I enjoyed it.
I thought it was over.
But then Katy emailed me again a month ago, not coincidentally after I had done some freelance for the Dept, to ask if I was interested in interviewing again for the PR position.
Against my better judgement, I went. Maybe this time would be different, I thought. Maybe they've gotten over their fear of commitment seen that all along it was me-- yes me!-- that they really wanted. I even bought an interview suit.
It was a great interview, all two hours of it. They assured me again and again, we'll know in a week or two-- plenty of time for you to give notice at your job. I thought, "I'm this || close..."
A week passed. Then two. Nothing.
I emailed Katy. She said they were still interviewing and would get back to me "definitely by mid- late August." Then, two weeks later, another email from Katy:
We'd like you to come in for another interview. Two hours, on campus. To meet the people you've already met. To answer the questions you've already answered, to discuss the job that you already know more than you care about.
That was it. I will not play Carrie to any HR Dept.'s Mr. Big, I thought. This absurd dance of yearning and rejection must end!
Then I crafted a respone that would ensure I would never hear from them again:
Dear Katy,
There is an online IQ test that asks different permutations of the same
questions over and over again. Your score is based on how quickly you recognize the ruse and abort the test. Perhaps EU is employing a similar tactic.
As you must know, I have already met VP and Boss on a number
of occasions. I do not mind being asked to meet Minion Editor, but a two-hour
on-campus interview seems excessive in light of my history of interviews at
EU, and in absence of any information regarding the specifics of the
position (e.g., salary range, schedule, start date) or whether, in fact, it is
being seriously offered. In any case, I must decline the invitation for this
fourth interview and request that you base your assessment of my qualifications
on the ample information that you already have.
You think they'll reply?
**********update!**********
They actually called me back, not once, but five, six times. Then sent me multiple e-mails asking "what would it take" to get me "back on board", etc. If things keep going in this direction, I will either get hired or file a restraining order by the end of this month.
You need to create a website for a lemonade stand with multiple locations and that also sells to corporate clients. Graphics are provided and you may not go online. The site must have at least one link. You have one hour.Are you kiddin' me?
Some admin lady led me into an office and explained everything to me then left. She said she'd be back at the end to see how I did. I only used two programs they gave me -- Photoshop and GoLive -- both of which were older versions that the ones I use, but it was OK. The woman who proctored me didn't know anything about web design or programming. She kept saying, "Wow, this is fascinating." The graphics they gave me were saved to a clip file. There were no decision makers there to talk to about my finished site or how asinine I thought the exercise was.
The pièce de résistance of the entire affair was this: when the admin lady came back to check over my work she looked at the links down the side of the page:
Our LocationsI had to make up some links to use as graphical elements to balance out the page, you know? She asked, "Why on earth would you give away your recipes?"
Corporate Accounts
Recipes
About Us
Contact Us
[fuming inside. thinking that this is just a one hour b.s. exercise. there is no content on this stupid site. it's not even a real site for pete's sake. keeping composure.]
"Oh, it's not for the lemonade recipe. It's for a cake recipe. If you use my lemonade instead of water when you use a white cake mix, it makes a lemon cake. Then there's going to be a contest for consumers to submit their own recipes."
She seemed satisfied by that.
Last week I was called in to interview with the director of the agency. I met with her on Wednesday for an hour and had a pretty good conversation. She said I'd know something by Friday.
No call Friday. No call Monday. No call Tuesday.
Today I got a call saying they want me to come in and program a website for them. Will this interview ever end? Ever?
This is what I think I’ve spent so far trying to get this job (considering that my time is currently worth $12.00/hr):
Job Application Package: $36.00
Written Competency: $48.00
First Interview: $60.00
Second Interview: $12.00
How can anyone afford to apply for a job anymore?
So yesterday was the all-day interview. Not really all day, just about 9:15 to 2: 30 and they gave us lunch, so that was nice. There were 5 people there including myself: four women who looked like contenders and a guy who, well, didn't.
It turns out it wasn't an interview about past experiences so much as it was a personality assessment. It was a three part process that started with individual interviews where we had to answer 28 multiple part questions such as:
Tell me about a time when you had to tell someone they were wrong. How did they take it? How would you change your actions if you could? Why?That took about 90 minutes and by the end I was good and hoarse.
Then we had our lunch of sandwiches together where the interviewees talked about such important subjects as the weather, commuting times, and beach traffic. That lasted about 30 minutes.
Then we had a multiple choice test that took about an hour. The test had questions like this:
You overhear a team member admit to another coworker in the break room that he made up some data for a report that you know is due tomorrow. He just didn't have time to do the proper research. Do you:
a) Tell your supervisor.
b)Tell his supervisor.
c) Tell him that if he fixes the report before it is submitted you won't tell anyone.
d)Do the research yourself.
e)Tell your supervisor and then do the rearch yourself.
Then I had 20 minutes to read a scenario about a "real-life" work situation. A "player" and observer then came into the office where I was to act out a role play. I had to convince a difficult employee to contribute to a group report.
So how I was graded on all this I'll never know. I do want the job, however, because . . . check this out:
They say we'll know next week. Keep your fingers crossed.
OK, before you all get too excited, check this out ... you guys remember the job I applied for that required me to write four long essays? Well, I made it to round three along with four other finalists. Next Wednesday we have an 8-hour interview. EIGHT HOURS! There will be three interviewers for individual interviews, a written test, role play, and a group interview. All this for a job calling for light editing and programming skills. Remember the 90s when they used to hire you off the street for VP positions? That was awesome.
But I am excited.
So I’m in the process of applying for another state job and what a process it is. I swear that application should say “If you can complete this form, you are automatically considered overqualified for the position.” I mean, I’ve applied for government jobs before, and I understand their whole problem of having to be completely thorough so that they don’t get sued for discrimination (a whole ‘nother issue), but come on.
It’s not like the job I’m applying for is all that complicated. They need a website and publications coordinator—basically a production manager with light programming and editing skills. The application itself was about eight pages in total and required an extremely detailed account of past work history. Then I had to write a fairly lengthy explanation as to how my experience applies to each skill required to perform the duties of the job.
I guess I should be proud of myself, because I made it past round one. But how can I be anything but thoroughly annoyed when I got a letter in the mail on Friday requesting more writing samples. They didn’t even call it that—it’s called a “written competency review” and consists of four essay questions about past work experience. It took me a good three hours to complete. I don’t know about you, but my time is worth something. I totally could have been sleeping or watching MTV.
See the extended entry for a sample of what I had to go through this weekend. Weekend!
Are you kidding me??
One typical workday during my job search (I was watching MTV after just waking from my afternoon nap), I got a call from the temp agency. The assistant to the director of a state agency was leaving and they needed to find a replacement right away and are you interested and when can you start? Yes and Monday. They sent me in for an interview with the director, and come Monday I was being uniformed with my very own state ID badge.
I was pretty thankful. Very thankful, really. I was only going to be doing administrative stuff, sure, but I'd be working directly with the director and would get to learn all kinds of neat stuff. I would get an email address (you can never have too many), a cool office, fun office supplies (I have my own label maker!), unlimited coffee, and a paycheck. (Don't get too excited, now. My starting salary was $11.50 an hour.)
Most of all, I was really excited to have co-workers. I was excited to have birthday cake, the occasional happy hour, a candy dish at the reception desk, football pools, retirement parties, team-building activities, and working lunches. How fun!
Now, I'm thinking that co-workers are like childbirth -- you don't remember the pain.
It seems I had spoken too soon about there being no job listings in the newspaper. One week I found that the local TV news station was looking for a website coordinator to turn their existing site into a comprehensive news and community relations portal. That'd be pretty cool. And the station has a building just blocks (to use a city term) from my house.
I sent my application online and got a phone call the next day requesting an interview. The following Monday I drove to their main office (about an hour away) where I was greeted by the receptionist with a clipboard and job application. I fake-cheerfully sat
In the beginning I left the city and moved to a smaller town to be closer to my family. No matter that the small town had no real industry to speak of (other than a very large WalMart distribution center), no real culture (other than an annual chicken festival), no real nightlife (other than the bar "downtown"), no exotic restaurants (other than Chinese take-out)... I could go on and on. I mean, my town does have a lot of redeeming qualities, but this is a rant so back off.
Anyway, here I am back in the town where I went to high school about 15 years ago and I'm looking for a job. In the past decade and a half I've earned a BA and an MS, traveled the world, and made (and subsequently spent) a lot of money—working as teacher, a management and technology consultant, a partner in my own business, an art director, and a website developer. Surely I could depend on my education and experience help me secure a position here.
Nothing (and I mean nothing) is posted on the Internet anywhere. There isn't much (other than driving trucks, which actually, it turns out, is quite lucrative) in the newspaper. And I'm not hearing too much by keeping my ear to the pavement. So I did what anyone would do in the city while they're looking... I registered with a temp agency.
On my first day at the temp agency I did the temp agency things. I filled out the application, took a drug test (huh?), and took a typing test. Like a 2 year-old potential gymnast in communist China, I guess I impressed them with the basics enough that they wanted to test me further. They gave me the MS Word test. They gave me the Excel test. They gave me the PowerPoint test. They had me put a list of things in alphabetical order... Then they told me that they really didn't have any jobs for anyone with my skills.
What? It's a temp agency. And why even give the tests if passing them really just means that you fail?
I'm very impressive, however, they say. And they'll definitley call me if something comes up. I'm right on the top of the list for all of their executive secretary positions.
Well. Thank God for that. I'll sit by the phone.