Intermediate Writers

Why are there no books for intermediate writers? There are wonderful, spectacular books for beginners. Stephen King's On Writing -- brilliant. Carolyn See's Making a Literary Life -- delightful. Annie Lamott's Bird by Bird -- great read, great lessons.

I've learned a lot from these books, and I go back to them regularly to get reinspired. But at a basic level, the solutions they offer are ones I already know -- aimed more at convincing yourself to keep going, to be confident in your writing, to force yourself to sit in the chair and just pound it out, to keep mailing off manuscripts despite rejection. But I no longer need the "buck up kiddo" speech. I no longer need to do affirmations to convince myself that I'm a writer -- I am. I know it. I don't have those awkward moments when I tell someone I write and they say: "Oh. Are you published?" Yes, I am published. What I want now is a book that magically takes me up the next level. I want the handbook on how to be an A++ writer. And, most importantly, to have it be simple.

Let me explain. Several years ago a book came out on housekeeping called Home Comforts: The Art and Science of Keeping House. It was all the rage. Everyone gave it to everyone else for the holidays. I, on the other hand, was supremely disappointed -- it didn't give me tips or tricks or ways to protect myself from the onslaught of ever more dust. It suggested instead that I. . . clean things.

Every week, said the book, I was supposed to:

"Change the bed linens and bathroom towels.

Vacuum rugs, floors, upholstered furniture and lampshades.

Wash all washable floors.

Dust all dustable surfaces and objects, including pictures, mirrors, light fixtures, and light bulbs.

Wipe all fingerprints or smears from doorknobs, woodwork, telephones, computer keyboards.

Wash down entire bathroom: toilet, sink, tub, wall tiles, toothbrush holders and all fixtures, cabinets, mirror, floor.

Wash all combs and brushes.

Clean entire kitchen: clean refrigerator, wipe down stove and other applicances inside and out; clean sinks, counters, and tabletops; extra-thoroughly wash backsplashes; scrub floors

Clean air-conditioner filters and humidifiers according to manufacturers' recommendations.

Wash out and sanitize garbage cans."

EVERY WEEK. I don't think I've sanitized my garbage can ever. And cleaning the fridge is definitely a twice a year affair.

I mean this book was just no good. I was supposed to keep a cleaner house, by becoming really organized and caring about cleaning. I wanted the book that said: "If you do these three things and jump four times on one foot and howl at the full moon, your kitchen will stay clean 17 times longer." No such luck.

I have solved the problem by hiring a housekeeper. Starving writer stereotype be damned -- I'm happy to starve so I can pay and not have to deal with that stuff.

Books about writing are kind of like that housekeeping book. Oh, they have some suggestions. You know like you could tie yourself to a chair in order to keep yourself there. You can set a timer to ensure that you work for 45 minutes straight before rewarding yourself with a peek at your e-mail. You can write friendly notes to editors in order to get on their radar screen. But these books still insist that you have to do the work.

Where's the book that tells me how to make it easy? How to skip the hour of bloodletting that happens as you stare at the keyboard before you finally get into flow? How to bypass the query letters or the book proposals and just have an automatic in with all the editors? I need that book. Where's that book??

--From a girl who wrote 1257 words today.